Dear Fei,
I just reached a career high: at 29, I landed a leadership position at a top university. I’m the youngest by a decade and the only person of color in my department. But instead of celebrating, I’m paralyzed by fear. While everyone has been welcoming, every compliment feels like a test and every success feels like a fluke to be exposed at any moment. My head knows I’m capable and qualified, but my gut screams that I’m a fraud who doesn’t belong. How do I stop trying to prove my worth to my colleagues and own it for myself?
Feeling Fraud-like in an Ivory Tower
Dear Feeling Fraud-like,
Congratulations. You have achieved something magnificent. You weren’t just doing the work to get there (deserve it), you were being the work (worth it). Breathe that in. I’ll do the same as I delight in celebrating sisters making their mark in the world.
Now, let's address the fear.
What’s holding you back from celebrating and enjoying your new success is a touch of impostor syndrome which refers to people who doubt their ability to achieve and fear being exposed as a fraud. It involves second-guessing yourself, seeking external validation, downplaying your value, and even holding an enormous sense of shame.
This feeling is real and very common. About 70% of people—including former FLOTUS Michelle Obama and actress Lupita Nyong'o—have expressed feeling like an impostor at times.
The false internal narratives you’re likely entertaining—things like, "I'm a fraud, and they're going to find out . . .” or “I am not as smart, polished, or prepared . . .” or “To be safe and successful, I must be smaller, quieter, and more agreeable . . ." —are not signs of a personal failing nor a simple lack of confidence. They are rational, internalized responses to navigating systems designed to make women of color question their own excellence. They are the intended outcome of a system that defines "qualified" and "professional" through a white, male-centric lens.
For centuries, Black and Brown women have been systematically excluded from spaces of power and intellect. When we finally enter these spaces, then it’s easy to feel insecure—like a guest, an exception, or a fake with no ability to improve or challenge the status quo.
You asked how to stop proving your worth to colleagues and start owning it for yourself. That is the most important question. The work is not external; it is a sacred, internal liberation through your divine inner sovereignty.
It is you in your goddessness where you know that you belong at the table and that your seat was earned (not given) by your brilliance and hard work and paid for by the dreams of your ancestors. Your confidence is found in the deep, embodied trust that you are worthy of not just achieving success but keeping it.
Here are 8 ways to get there and begin owning your worth for yourself and letting your goddess confidence shine:
1. Take time for a total recall. For the next 30 days, go over activities of the day that confirm your capability—from a problem you solved to a thoughtful email you sent. Imposter syndrome thrives on vague feelings; you defeat it with cold, hard facts.
2. Anchor yourself in your lineage. When you feel small in that room, remember you are not there alone. You are standing on the shoulders of ancestors who dreamed of this moment. Your seat at the table isn't just yours; it belongs to your entire lineage.
3. Find your lifeline, not just your colleagues. Identify one or two potential allies—people who see you, listen to you, and respect you. Perhaps another woman, someone from a different department, or a trusted mentor outside the university. True belonging comes from genuine connection, not from being liked by all.
4. Re-script your "thank you." Regarding compliments, if a colleague says, "Great job on that report," your imposter syndrome wants to say, "Oh, it was nothing." This dismisses your work. Instead, have a simple, powerful script ready. A warm smile and a confident reply like, "Thank you, I’m proud of how it turned out." This accepts the praise and affirms your own satisfaction. No more, no less.
5. Occupy your throne—literally. Your body believes what you tell it. Before a big meeting, go to a private space (your office or a restroom stall) and stand in a power pose for one minute. Shoulders back, chin up, take up space. When you sit at the meeting table, do not shrink; sit up straight with both feet planted on the floor. You are physically signaling to your own nervous system that you belong here.
6. Name the ghost in the room. Acknowledge the systemic reality. Silently say to yourself, "It makes sense that I feel this way. I am navigating a space that has historically excluded people who look like me. This feeling is not a reflection of my inadequacy; it is a reflection of the system's." Naming it separates the systemic pressure from your personal worth. It takes the ghost out of your head and puts it back in the room where it belongs.
7. Activate your inner mentor. Imagine the you 30 years out. She is a wise, accomplished, sovereign leader who has been doing this for decades. When you feel lost or scared, close your eyes and ask her for advice. "What would she do in this situation? How would she carry herself?" Channel her energy. You are simply growing into the woman you’ve envisioned to become.
8. Define your reign. What does "owning it for yourself" look like to you? Is it speaking up more? Proposing one new idea this month? Successfully mentoring another? Write down three small, tangible goals that are about your sense of integrity and leadership, not about pleasing others.
Your success is not a fluke. You are not an imposter. You are a pioneer. Your presence is progress. Your leadership is a quiet revolution of liberation. The work now is to let your own mind and spirit catch up to the magnificent reality of who you already are.
True Selfers’ practice this week
Download and complete “The Third Decree: Command Your Inner Goddess Voice and Silence Doubt” that gives you questions or tasks around the 8 ways above.
Repeat daily this week’s hymn: “I am she who knows the grass is greener wherever I stand because I bring value to every space I enter.”
Find and strut to your walk-out song, a piece of powerful music that matches your badass-in-a-good-way goddess position. Might I suggest Chaka Khan’s or Whitney Houston’s “I'm Every Woman”?
Have a question for Ask Fei? Submit it anonymously here — and be as detailed as possible, please.
Journey on,
Netta Fei