F*ck Conformity—Part I: A How To

“…a choice for myself.”

Michelle Robinson Obama, having fully done her duties as the First Lady of the United States for eight years from 2008 to 2016, was going about her own business and minding her own peace when folk got riled up. About her absence at two political-related events. About her husband, former U.S. President Barack Obama, attending alone. About speculations of marital troubles.

Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama by Amy Sherald. Smithsonian's National Portrait Gallery.

"I chose to do what was best for me,” Obama recently shared with Sophia Bush in a Work in Progress Podcast episode. “Not what I had to do. Not what I thought other people wanted me to do. . .people couldn't even fathom that I was making a choice for myself. That they had to assume that my husband and I are divorcing [they are not]. That this couldn't be a grown woman just making a set of decisions herself, right? If it doesn't fit into the sort of stereotype of what people think we should do, then it gets labeled as something negative and horrible."

Clearly well and solid into her self-discovery journey, the mother, author, attorney, advocate, and content creator stated that she has become more reflective about how she spends her time.

Did Obama owe anyone an explanation? No.

Is she the only First Lady to stray from presidential protocol and long-held White House traditions? No.

Did her decision jeopardize her relationship with her life partner? No.

Then why the uproar and speculations from “they”? Why do people hold others to their own ideas and expectations?

For themselves.

Life feels less chaotic and safer when we believe we know how others will behave. We often project our own values, beliefs, and ways of doing things onto others, assuming our way is the "right" or "normal" way or that we know what's best for the other person. Often, we’re unwilling to let go of pre-existing and deeply ingrained notions of how people should act, whether those expectations are unconscious or unexamined. Heck, sometimes people just want to feel superior or mask their own insecurities.

But that’s on them. Not you.

Conformity is the paradoxical anti-thesis to true self. Though it presents as a necessary act for a fulfilling life, it rewards compliance with conditional acceptance and belonging while suppressing individual thoughts, quirks, passions, perspectives, and action, making the conformist feel like an imposter in her own skin. Dissatisfaction and bitterness tend to follow.

To conform or not to conform? That is the question I ask. You get to decide when, where, to whom, why, how long, and at what cost. Choose consciously and wisely.

Before you do, consider Jerry Lorenzo who, like Obama, also told conformity to take a hike.

Image: @jerrylorenzo

African-American designer and founder of renowned fashion brand Fear of God, Lorenzo speaks frequently and frankly about his non-conformance to European standards and traditions of the fashion business. He advises listeners to uphold their worth, refuse to settle for anything less, and stay true to one’s faith.

“I just feel like I never fit,” he said in a 2020 episode of The BoF Podcast. “I’ve gotten to a place where I’m okay with that and I don’t need to fit within fashion to be validated…and so I know that I’m outside but I feel like my strength is that I’m outside. My strength is that I see [things] differently.”

Called a “design renegade” by End.clothing, Lorenzo created Fear of God as a high-quality, contemporary luxury streetwear brand in 2013 after having designed custom looks for Justin Bieber's Purpose World Tour in 2011. He then cast aside the traditional fashion calendar and trends to do things his way.

“Lorenzo is focused on his company and doesn’t need the validation of a big corporate luxury group, or of Paris and Milan,” wrote Vincenzo La Torre, chief editor of Style, about Fear of God which held its first fashion show in Los Angeles in 2023, ten years in and far from the spotlight of the must-do fashion capitals. By doing so, Lorenzo spoke loud and clear: you can thrive without being part of the system.

“I also don’t have a desire to be a part of anything where I’m uncomfortable,” Lorenzo told La Torre. “. . . you don’t need a fashion week or a co-sign kind of an industry or a city for your point of view to be valid.”

And I say that the world doesn't need another imitation. A “yes” woman. It needs your specific blend of talent, experience, voice, and perspective. Conforming cheats the world (and yourself) of that unique gift. Breakthroughs, art, radical thinking, and progress don't come from everyone thinking and acting the same. They arise from distinct viewpoints, questioning norms, and daring to be different. Non-conformity changes the world. More often than not, for the better.

True Selfers’ practice this week

• Follow Obama’s lead and ask yourself some big-girl questions: Who do I truly want to be every day? How does that inform where I invest my time and energy? In what areas of my life might I think and act "outside the box”. . .for me not for others?

• Repeat daily this week’s hymn for courage to be different: “Not built for boxes, my unique spirit unlocks me and my potential."

• Listen to the full Work in Progress: Michelle Obama with Sophia Bush episode.

• Hear Lorenzo’s quick tip on connecting through honesty.

Journey on,

Netta Fei