The 3-Question Trick to Tame Your Social Media Habit
Read Ask Fei*.
Dear Fei,
I have a great group of friends and what I thought was a pretty balanced life. Lately, though, my friends have been making comments, sometimes joking, sometimes serious, about how much time I spend on social media. They feel I’m borderline addicted, being on my phone a lot, posting, scrolling, comparing myself to influencers, and letting the latest online discourse and trends seep into my mood and interactions with them. That’s what they say but I don’t see it. Social media conversations and culture feel vital to me and worth the 3 or 4 hours a day I’m there to stay up on things. Are my friends being petty and jealous, or might they be right?
Plugged In and Perplexed
*Note: Freida bailed to pursue her dream of becoming a sky diving instructor. We wish her only blue skies. So going forward, you get me.
Dear Plugged In (or is that “Too Plugged In”?),
You describe your group of friends as “great” and they may be proving that true.
No doubt, social media is intoxicating with all the popular podcasts, cooking clips, and dance challenges it offers. Not to mention the chase of “likes”, “followers”, and “shares”. These are just a few examples of why social media has replaced cable TV as an entertainment hub.
Then there are the social entrepreneurs, eager to capture your attention and make money selling products, services, or influence. And with billions logged on, social media can also help us build community and find our tribe.
It’s likely those things that feel “vital” to you. But are they?
I offer you my 3-question trick to determine for yourself whether your friends’ perspective is hitting the bullseye.
How easy is it for you to quit? Adults spend an average 2.5 hours a day on social media platforms. Since you’re spending more time online than that—you said “3 or 4 hours”—consider cutting back or taking a social media fast. A break will allow you to see if your socialite behaviors have morphed into an obsession.
What exactly is it giving you? More important than how much time you spend online are the reasons why you’re so social on social media. Research shows that 35% of social media users compare their lives to what others post on social media, 24% experience FOMO (fear of missing out) and/or anxiety when they can’t see what’s happening on social media, and 23% feel undue pressure to create a social media image or identity.
Spend some time getting truthful about the need that social media fills for you.
Beyond entertainment, the allure of being always-on might speak to a bigger need for validation or escapism. Are you hiding behind a social media persona instead of being your true self? Are you allowing others to shape how you view yourself? Are you avoiding your real life? For example, checking in online more often than engaging with the people right in front of you during hangouts, at work, or at home?
Think about it.
What is it stealing from you? All that time on social media prevents you from being productive doing what benefits you. Self-care requires you to focus on self, and not others. It’s harder to concentrate and sleep when that blue light is on all the time, and the notifications are constantly dinging. Being bombarded with news, information, and disinformation can leave you feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and stressed. Information overload is real!
If you’re fixated on fashion and beauty trends, then you’re chasing distorted perceptions of reality—staged photos, airbrushed images, couples in matching pajamas who might not even be happy, and fashions driven by retail marketers. Romanticizing these ideals can make you feel inadequate and dissatisfied with your own life, leading to low self-esteem and depression. Satisfying FOMO based on other people’s experiences also means you’re missing out on the life you can and should experience.
Here’s another sad reality of social media: those throng of online friends are not really friends, and your followers . . . well, they follow everybody. These are not genuine relationships. They are transactional connections. Miss a few posts, and they’ll drop you like a bad habit. Virtual connections can seem real, but they can also leave you feeling lonely and isolated.
From where I sit, your great group of friends are right. These real friends are the ones who are questioning the grip that social media has on you. It’s unlikely that they’re jealous, and more likely that they’re just concerned. They value your friendship and want to experience life with you, offline. Embrace relationships that feed who you really are and cherish real connections.
It might be time to log off, close your device, and start living your true self, IRL (in real life)!
Have a question for Ask Fei? Submit it anonymously here — and be as detailed as possible, please.
True Selfers’ practice this week
Pick one (or two or three) of these pattern disruptions that feels most actionable and resonant for you, then go outside and play:
Before opening any social media app, pause and ask yourself: "What is my purpose right now?"
When you feel the urge to scroll, take one breath and ask: "What am I truly seeking?"
Set a timer before you open the app and close it the second it goes off.
Repeat this week’s daily hymn: “My worth lives within me, not on any curated screen."
Enjoy this calming 5-Minute Sound Meditation by Dora Kamau to help ward off any negative effects of idealized social media noise.
Journey on,
Netta Fei