For seven years I gradually stomached the demise of my marriage. Like trying to digest a heavy stone. I spent a lot of that time wondering how I’d ended up there. And overcoming the shock of failed counseling with three different therapists. And giving my teen son a litany of answers to his question as to why I wasn’t getting divorced, ending with this ludicrous nugget: “It’s not in my DNA”.
“Is unhappiness in your DNA?” he asked.
It shook me awake to what I was really doing, who I was really being.
I wasn’t being me. I was being what I thought others wanted or needed me to be. I was after what it was supposed to look like. I was sticking to a well-dug-out groove laid by others that I embraced and internalized as my own, regardless of how it felt.
The idea of unhappiness being in my DNA was like a punch to my stomach. That it came out of the heart of my own child wrought a mental branding of a scarlet letter "F" (for "foolish") on my forehead and my banishment to a corner alone as a symbol of my humiliation and shame. I decided right then to love me. It meant finding, knowing, and living my true self. Goodbye, pleasing-others-or-seeking-their-approval. Hello, me.
The furnace of self-discovery—yes, you must go in—burns off various internal and external constraints or distractions that hinder genuineness. It starts steaming away negative thought patterns, strongholds of others’ expectations, and fear of judgment or not being <fill in the blank> enough. Out of it comes a phoenix of freedom. Freedom to get to know you and figure out how to do life the way you want without judging others for doing the same.
Within my own refining, I released my first novel, A Most Useful Betrothal, which imagines how a beautiful, intelligent, brown girl named Abyga’el ends up married to a fool and how she finally taps her wisdom to find peace. The whimsical story is also a parable of how smart, attractive women can make choices that land us in situations and predicaments, most often due to false narratives about self. Aby makes better decisions once she recognized and excavated the source of her impulsive behavior.
That’s why I started this True Self Society publication and community. To help especially Black and Brown women be intentional about their inner dialogue and let go of unproductive agreements to reclaim and nurture true self—choosing to be their most open, honest, vulnerable, and carefree expression of what genuinely resonates within them rather than what others expect.
Given the effect of systemic ills—everything from racism, sexism, and stolen heritage to hustle culture, identity shifting, and over-policing—women of color have had to suppress their natural selves and divine feminine energy, putting on façades just to survive or belong or inch ahead. But pretense is heavy and comes at a cost.
Consider that Black women are more than twice as likely as all women to code-switch. Or, that heart diseases begin five years earlier and insulin resistance begins 11 years earlier for Black and Hispanic women compared to White women. Black women are 1.5 times more likely than White women to report feeling sad most or all the time. Black women are 84% (women of color, 34%) more likely to receive online hate-speak than white women. You get [and may have been in] the picture. Thankfully, Black women have favorable views toward mental health services and are now seeking therapy in increasing numbers.
I am a writer not a therapist. But through my life experience and those of other life experts, I hope to facilitate wellbeing through stories, views, interviews, how tos, why nots, what fors, and high fives that lead to deeper connections to self. I’m on this journey too so let’s explore the value of loving self, champion new ideas, dare to question everything, cheer one another’s forward movement, and marvel together.
Your True Self practice this week:
Start re-discovering you by asking yourself, “What unwanted, unproductive, or negative traits are you letting creep into your DNA?” Peek inside. Pay attention to your words and action. Be honest and open to answer in as much detail as possible. Keep a journal to write down your thoughts, feelings, and ah-ha moments.
Repeat this week’s hymn: “I give me permission to be my true self.”
Get pumped by watching or re-watching Nike's 'So Win' campaign ad that celebrates athletes [and the rest of us] who defy expectations, transforming doubt into motivation and proving that the only limits are the ones we accept.
Join True Self Society, if you haven’t already.
Stay true,
Netta Fei
==>Get your copy of A Most Useful Betrothal here.
Is unhappiness in your DNA? That part. As a divorcee I can resonate. On this journey of love laughs and lessons, I am becoming my true self.
I’m truly grateful to be part of True Self Society and excited to embark on this journey of self-discovery, growth, and connection with you and this community. Your words already resonate deeply—creating a space for honesty, reflection, and meaningful conversations is something the world needs more of, and I’m honored to be here.
Wishing you all the best as you continue to build this beautiful community—I’ll be here, reading, learning, and growing along with you!