What Happens If You Succeed At Climbing to The Top of The Wrong Mountain?
Ask Fei
Dear Ask Fei,
My parents wanted the best for me and sent me to the finest schools and college. I landed a six-figure corporate job and bought a big home in a gated, affluent community. I own luxury cars and have everything they wanted for me, including a nice husband and a baby on the way. I’m grateful for my lifestyle, but I feel a constant, deep, quiet ache—like something vital is missing. What could it be?
– Feeling Empty
Dear Feeling Empty,
Yours certainly sounds like the dream life—one that many women would make a deal with the devil to have.
Your parents intentionally (and through love) scripted for you that dreamy life. Their dream—not right or wrong, good or bad—just theirs. And from what you described, the vital something missing could be you.
The truth about dreams is that they are profoundly individual and unique to personal associations and emotional history. So, it’s possible that you might have created the life your parents planned for you and not necessarily the one you want for yourself.
A wise man once asked it this way: you can invest your precious time, sweat, and tears to climb to the top of a great mountain but what happens if it is the wrong mountain?
Optimistically, the fact that you followed the plan, worked hard, and achieved a comfortable lifestyle worth celebrating indicates to me that parts of you are also in that plan. It would help now to know if they are the important parts of you.
I’m a writer, not a therapist, but allow me to suggest a three-step journey based on my experience to closely sync the life you’ve created with your own values and aspirations, before this dream can morph into a nightmare: assess, appreciate, and express.
First, assess you. Who are you when no one is watching you or placing expectations on you? To be present in your own life and happy, you must first know who you are and what makes you happy. What brings you joy. If not, you’ll keep chasing what other people want, and you’ll always feel like something is missing. Find your own path by discovering, understanding, and getting grounded in your true self. Grab pen and paper. Sit quietly and go within. For 15-20 minutes, write down things that truly energize you and help you feel the most you—activities, interactions, or states of being that genuinely leave you feeling refreshed, alive, inspired, deeply content, or most aligned with your core self. What item(s) from the list could you intentionally invite more of into your life?
Then, appreciate you. How might you best nourish that true self from within to fill the void you feel? Start by prioritizing and elevating you above outside expectations. Acknowledge your unique strengths, resilience, and inherent worth, independent of external accolades or roles. This intentional act of seeing and valuing your core being shifts your focus inward, lessening the need for constant outside validation. When you recognize your own value, you naturally gain the clarity and courage to shift your life—your activities, relationships, and paths—in ways that align with your own interests and deepest values, and take the inner you higher. This alignment, born from self-appreciation, is the very foundation upon which a life rich with personal meaning and lasting fulfillment is built, transforming mere existence into joyful, purposeful living.
Now, express you. What changes could you make to your existing life for it to better reflect who you are and your soul’s deepest desires? You describe your life in very materialistic terms. Yet we all know that money and fine things do not equate to happiness, fulfillment, nor success. What non-wealth or intangible things matter to you? Things like a spiritual practice. One or two solid girlfriend relationships. Philanthropy or volunteerism. Personal development. Creative ventures. Perhaps, downsizing on the materialism can make space for intentional and fulfilling connections. The most common regret of people near death is not having had the courage to live a life true to themself, rather than the life others expected of me. Once you have a good grasp of the direction you want your life to take, talk it out with your dear hubby. Is it possible that he may also be feeling that something is missing—perhaps, himself? The two of you changing the narrative on the life you’ve built together towards higher inner peace would be, I think, new and gentle and fragrant wind beneath both your wings.
True Selfers’ practice this week
Once a week, take 2 minutes to write a short "thank you" note from your Future Self (from whatever time frame you choose—1 year, 5 years, or just a few days) to your Present Self for one specific choice, action, or boundary you recently made or intend to make soon that will directly contribute to the life she (your Future Self) now enjoys. (This is SO cool.) For example,
Dear, Present Me (May 13, 2025)! Thank you so much for saying 'no' to that optional work project this week and instead protecting 30 minutes each day for your writing. It made all the difference in finishing our book! Gratefully, Future Me (October 10, 2026)
Repeat daily this week’s hymn: “My choices build my joy.”
Let this first recording of ”Black Butterfly”, in 1984 by Denise Williams, remind you to awake from any compliant unproductive thing (no matter how pretty it may appear), search for home inside yourself, and emerge anew.
Journey on,
Netta Fei