Yes, You Can Mother Yourself
8 ways to give yourself what you might have been missing.
May I be honest with you? I loathe holidays that not only tell me to express love to someone but how to do it, typically in highly commercialized terms. Like Valentine’s Day. Couple Appreciation Day. Father’s Day. And Mother’s Day.
My children ask me, “What do you want for Mother’s Day?”
I reply, “Love and appreciation on all the other 364 days of the year.”
They laugh. I mean it. I meant it with my mother.
I had a beautiful mothering experience growing up. Given her own less-than-nurturing childhood experience, Mom was determined to do it the very best she could for me and my two brothers. Firm and tenderly affirming. Comfortingly supportive and a stirrer of the nest. Nourishing and disciplining. A stable presence—even now. Ours blossomed into an equally beautiful relationship well into my adulthood. Though our family did the typical Mother’s Day dinner gathering (on the Saturday before; Sunday was all church), Mom and I were besties and showed it every day.
Not every daughter is as fortunate.
And we can miss what we never had.
Yet just because we didn’t get what we needed in childhood, doesn’t mean we can never have it. Just because we may have received harmful tutelage in childhood, doesn’t mean we can’t chart a new and different path.
Mothering yourself is course correction. It’s an antidote to some of the things that may ail you. You can be the gentle hand that smooths your own brow when worry lines deepen or the encouraging voice that whispers for you to rest when the world insists that you hustle up. It’s consciously deciding to provide for yourself what you might have been missing; what you instinctively know is needed to grow, heal, and flourish—just as a loving mother does for her child.
Here are eight ways to practice mothering yourself. Rather than quick fixes or band aids, these are small, steady acts of consistently and compassionately turning inward with the kindness and care that moves you forward.
1. Create a comforting space for retreat. Designate a small space (a corner, a shelf, even just a box) filled with things that evoke safety and soothing. It could be a soft blanket, a calming scented sachet, a smooth stone, a favorite and fun childhood book, a picture that makes you smile, or anything similar. It's your self-care go-to altar for when you feel overwhelmed and need to refresh your peace.
2. Write notes to yourself. Get some colorful sticky notes or small cards. Occasionally write short, encouraging, or loving messages to yourself for gentle and spontaneous validation. "It's okay to rest." "I'm proud of you for trying." "Remember to drink water!" Or what most resonates with you. Leave them where you'll find them unexpectedly—in your wallet, on your closet wall, inside a book.
3. Schedule recess—time to play and laugh. Intentionally block out short periods—even 10-15 minutes will do—for non-productive, purely enjoyable activity, just like recess at school. This could be listening to music and dancing, doodling, blowing bubbles, or stepping outside to feel the sun. The key is guilt-free fun without needing to earn it.
4. Have inner child check-ins. Regularly pause and mentally ask your younger self (picture her at a vulnerable age), "What do you need right now?" Listen for the answer. It might be rest, reassurance, a treat, or just acknowledgment. Then, try to provide a small piece of that for yourself. Feel her gratitude for your being attuned to those deeper, often neglected, needs.
5. Hug yourself, literally. When feeling stressed or sad, give yourself a comforting hug or place a hand lightly over your cheek. Squeeze softly. This simple physical act can release oxytocin and calm the nervous system, providing sensory and soothing comfort through nurturing touch.
6. Talk to yourself kindly, gently, and out loud. When you make a mistake or feel overwhelmed, try speaking to yourself out loud in a subtle, kind tone, as you would to a child you care about. "Okay, that didn't go as planned. It's alright. Let's take a breath and figure out the next step." Hearing the kindness and getting gentle guidance can be surprisingly powerful.
7. Feed yourself something nurturing. Prepare or choose a meal or snack specifically because it feels uplifting and wholesome. Eat it slowly, savoring each bite. Mentally acknowledge that you are giving yourself good sustenance (physical and emotional) with intention and care.
8. Tuck yourself in. Create a simple, comforting bedtime ritual. Dim the lights, perhaps have a warm, non-caffeinated drink, read something calming, spritz your pillow with a relaxing scent. Consciously think, "Time to rest now," signaling safety and care to your nervous system. Enjoy the restorative rest.
Imitating Miley Cyrus, perhaps you can mother yourself better than she can. I think you will.
Happy Mother’s Day, however and to whomever you mother. Especially if it’s yourself.
True Selfers’ practice this week
Carry out one or more or all the eight acts above.
Repeat daily this week’s hymn: “I nurture my own becoming.”
With eyes closed, sitting comfortably in a private place, listen to this guided imagery loving mother meditation by psychologist Dr. Diana Kirschner that can help you develop self-love based on the archetype of an unconditionally loving mother.
Journey on,
Netta Fei
That mother-daughter relationship is so complex and oftentimes confusing for some of us. My mom was a true mother bear, she would protect her kids at all cost. But there were also some things about her that I’ve been “reflecting” on lately. She was a huge source of confusion and contradiction for me as well. She had physically violent, abusive tendencies toward my dad …who would never hit her back btw. He was the only boy in his family of six kids. He would just cover his head and bear it. There were visible injuries, some lasting. But she also wouldn’t leave him. He was an alcoholic (not violent at all). When asked “why can’t we just leave?” Her answer would be so compassionate and caring toward him. Because “your dad is sick. He can’t help it.” My next thought 💭 (in my head, of course) would be then why do you jump on him? I wish I had the courage to ask her that one out loud because therein lay my confusion. So many instances like this. She’s gone now so it’s too late to ask. Not that she would respond. All I can do is ponder at this point. Her relationship with her own mom was abusive (from her mom). That’s a whole-nother story. Having never had kids of my own, Mothers Days has become whatever I feel that day. So it’s been sometimes up; sometimes down; sometimes level to the ground. I appreciate all the suggestions for self-care. They help more than you know because well …I’m still here. And I matter!
Beautiful. This reminds me of the concept of re-parenting yourself.