That mother-daughter relationship is so complex and oftentimes confusing for some of us. My mom was a true mother bear, she would protect her kids at all cost. But there were also some things about her that I’ve been “reflecting” on lately. She was a huge source of confusion and contradiction for me as well. She had physically violent, abusive tendencies toward my dad …who would never hit her back btw. He was the only boy in his family of six kids. He would just cover his head and bear it. There were visible injuries, some lasting. But she also wouldn’t leave him. He was an alcoholic (not violent at all). When asked “why can’t we just leave?” Her answer would be so compassionate and caring toward him. Because “your dad is sick. He can’t help it.” My next thought 💭 (in my head, of course) would be then why do you jump on him? I wish I had the courage to ask her that one out loud because therein lay my confusion. So many instances like this. She’s gone now so it’s too late to ask. Not that she would respond. All I can do is ponder at this point. Her relationship with her own mom was abusive (from her mom). That’s a whole-nother story. Having never had kids of my own, Mothers Days has become whatever I feel that day. So it’s been sometimes up; sometimes down; sometimes level to the ground. I appreciate all the suggestions for self-care. They help more than you know because well …I’m still here. And I matter!
Yes, yes, yes, you do matter, Wink. So did…does…your mom. No doubt, she was maintaining a delicate balance of mothering her children, being wife to an alcoholic husband, and keeping her sanity. Her reaction to your dad was likely her way of releasing high stress coupled with the example she got from her own mother—all from places of pain. I don’t believe that anyone wants to show up in anger and violence; it’s not true self. It is a coping mechanism for the heavy weights of life under which we can find ourselves. And if you can get past any spookiness you might feel (because of how we were taught), you can sit quietly and talk to your mom, and perhaps get a better understanding of who she was and what she was going through. For you, I say do Mother’s Day and any other way in whatever way that serves you, that brings you peace, comfort, and joy. Thanks for sharing and keep it moving forward!
That mother-daughter relationship is so complex and oftentimes confusing for some of us. My mom was a true mother bear, she would protect her kids at all cost. But there were also some things about her that I’ve been “reflecting” on lately. She was a huge source of confusion and contradiction for me as well. She had physically violent, abusive tendencies toward my dad …who would never hit her back btw. He was the only boy in his family of six kids. He would just cover his head and bear it. There were visible injuries, some lasting. But she also wouldn’t leave him. He was an alcoholic (not violent at all). When asked “why can’t we just leave?” Her answer would be so compassionate and caring toward him. Because “your dad is sick. He can’t help it.” My next thought 💭 (in my head, of course) would be then why do you jump on him? I wish I had the courage to ask her that one out loud because therein lay my confusion. So many instances like this. She’s gone now so it’s too late to ask. Not that she would respond. All I can do is ponder at this point. Her relationship with her own mom was abusive (from her mom). That’s a whole-nother story. Having never had kids of my own, Mothers Days has become whatever I feel that day. So it’s been sometimes up; sometimes down; sometimes level to the ground. I appreciate all the suggestions for self-care. They help more than you know because well …I’m still here. And I matter!
Yes, yes, yes, you do matter, Wink. So did…does…your mom. No doubt, she was maintaining a delicate balance of mothering her children, being wife to an alcoholic husband, and keeping her sanity. Her reaction to your dad was likely her way of releasing high stress coupled with the example she got from her own mother—all from places of pain. I don’t believe that anyone wants to show up in anger and violence; it’s not true self. It is a coping mechanism for the heavy weights of life under which we can find ourselves. And if you can get past any spookiness you might feel (because of how we were taught), you can sit quietly and talk to your mom, and perhaps get a better understanding of who she was and what she was going through. For you, I say do Mother’s Day and any other way in whatever way that serves you, that brings you peace, comfort, and joy. Thanks for sharing and keep it moving forward!
Beautiful. This reminds me of the concept of re-parenting yourself.
This is so lovely! Thank you for sharing these great tips of self-mothering!